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Monday, June 27th 2011

3:47 PM

Just around the corner...and 5,000,000.00 miles away...

     Lately, I've been feeling like my life is going no where. Everyone says "Oh, but *Insert random, happy thing to look forward to, here* is just around the corner!" That may be so, but sometimes it feels like it's around the corner, and then another five million miles away.

     Maybe it's because, these past few days have found me genuinely horror stricken at the all-to-true fact that, in only 2 months, I will be 20 years old. Yep. The big 2-0. It may not be so bad, if I hadn't had my future planned out since I was 2 years old.

     I know many girls at my age, are enjoying their life, and looking forward to collage, or careers. Those are their dreams. But my dream seems to get further and further away with each passing day.

     For as long as I can remember, I've had three 'dreams'.

     1: Become a published author

     2: Become a horse trainer

     3: Have a family.

     But it's just been these past few weeks when I've realized, all I really want in life, is to have a family. I'd give up my dream of horses. I'd never pick up a pen again, all to live my dream of being a Mother and a Wife.

     I love kids more than anything! I always have. Their smiles and laughs melt my heart, and nothing brings a smile to my face, like having a little kid smile and wave to me, each giggling a 'hi' in their own way.

     I always wanted to live my dream young. I was the weird child who wanted to be married at 18 or 19, and have my first kid at 20 or 21. So being 2 months away from 20, and still having never been even CLOSE to that dream, it is just the hardest thing to live with for me.

     Every day, all I think of is, "Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Have I taken a very wrong path that I'm at this point in my life?" 

     I can't even begin to explain how hard it is for me to be writing this. These are my feelings. Feelings I live with everyday, and trap in my mind, hiding them from the world. 

     The future is all I think about. For example; two years ago I bought a tiny pair of baby cowboy booties to stick in my hope chest. (Yes, I have a hope chest, and I'm very proud of that!) The othe day, after a year of saving up points (every time you buy something at the store I work at, you collect points to redeem for stuff) I was finally able to get the 16 piece dish set I wanted so badly!

     I get so excited everytime I get to add something new to my hope chest. Dishes, towels, baby booties, or even just flyer cutouts of what I want to add to it. All of it reminds me of what I am wanting to do with my life! It also makes me wonder if I'll ever get to use any of it though...

     But the most annoying part about it all? We are STILL trying to sell our house! FIVE YEARS LATER! Which means, everything's on hold. Like major parts of our lives are on pause until we move, yet life around us doesn't stop. So each day passes, yet changes, and decisions are all put on hold. And with every question asked, like "Why aren't you doing more with horses." or "Why can't you do such-and-such" comes the dreaded, four word sentence, that, just hearing it, makes me want to scream..."Not until we move."

     There has not been one day lately, where I have not felt like I've been running on a treadmill. Going and going and going. Running faster and faster and faster. And still going absolutely, no where! Sometimes even tripping and flying backwards!

     I know I still have a lot to learn in life. And sometimes I think maybe that's why I am where I am. But I'm the type of person that needs instant results. I try as hard as I can to change, but if nothing in my life changes, within a few days I've given up.

     Right now, I'm to the point where, I'm terrified I'm never going to get to live out my dream. Maybe I'll end up being the old woman who never married and never had kids. Just lived on my own with just my animals to keep me company.

     I can't say, that where ever I end up in life, I'll be happy. Because I know that's not t rue. Being a Wife and Mother is what will make me happy. And I can't pretend that I would be happy with anything else. 

     Sometimes I wish I had a remote, so I could fast-forward through the hard parts in life and just end up where I want to be. But I guess that's not what life’s about. And until my dream comes true, I'll have to force myself to not think about how it slips further and further away with each day, and focus on each day itself.

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