Hard to believe there are only a few more hours until we are no longer in 2010, but 2011. Looking back over this year, I have to say, there is a lot I would have done differently. Things I would have done, or wish I hadn't done. I may have several things going for me, but there are definitely things about 2010 that I am ready to forget.
These past few months have been hard for me. Very, hard actually. I hate to admit it, but for these past few months, I've been pushing God from my life. Things haven't been going the way I have wanted them to. I've done things I'm not proud of and I've drifted way too far from God.
I rarely pray anymore. And when I do, it's a short prayer and it's in more of a 'favor' form for someone else. My Bible is sitting dusty on my nightstand (or packed away in a box...I can't remember which) and I can't even remember the last time I just 'talked' with God.
The reason I allowed myself to drift so far from Him...was because, up until August, I felt like my life was pretty darn amazing. I had just started a new job, I had some new friends and I thought I was beginning to see how my future was going to unfold.
Sadly...then things started going downhill. I found out that my parents were once again considering moving out of province. Relationship didn't go in directions I had hoped and money started getting so tight, everyone in my family was beginning to live pay-check-to-paycheck.
Because of this, everyday I asked myself "Why God?! Why do you allow such things to happen to people who love you and have always tried to serve you, no matter how hard it may be?!" After that...I stopped trying. Stopped trying to have a relationship with Christ and stopped caring to pray. To me...if God really cared, then He wouldn't be letting his children hurt.
It was selfish reasons that drove me to the point of shuddering at the mere mention of prayer. It was stupidity that drove me to fill with rage at the mere mention of "God will handle it" or "God is in control."
I was beginning to feel like I was a puppet, whose strings were getting tighter and tighter, until eventually, I was being choked and could no longer breath.
Talking about the future angered me, the past tormented me, and everyday I woke up wondering what event would unfold in the life I felt I had no control over.
To this very second, I still have trouble trying to picture my life unfolding in a way different then I had imagined 5 months ago. To be honest, I am disappointed because, if I'd been asked several years ago, where I wanted to be by January 1'st, 2011, my res ponce would simply have been "Married, settled down and with a steady job."
Looking over my life, I am worried because, none of that has happened. I am no where NEAR getting married. I am living paycheck-to-paycheck and I have a job, but it's not steady. One week I could have 40 hours, the next, only 15.
These past few weeks have revealed to me that, I am not upset because I feel like a puppet in God's control...I am upset, because life scares me. I hate NOT knowing what I am doing tomorrow. I can't stand, wondering if I will be where I want to be in two years. I can't even stand having plans changed last minute because I feel the need to have my life laid out, minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day. So knowing, I have little or no control over how my life ends up in the big picture, terrifies me.
I am now facing the possibility of moving. This very idea scares me more then anything else. I've finally gotten used to the idea of living here, I've adjusted and I've realized I love being here. And now it may all be ripped out from underneath, and we'll be moved once again.
These are the reasons I get upset;
1) Why did God have our family come to terms with the fact that we are going to stay here...JUST to have us move later on. Maybe moving should never have been brought out of the picture? Then the idea would be so terrifying. Then friendships and relationships could have been spared because everyone knew that, it wouldn't last for ever, so don't build anything up just to have it torn back down.
2) All my life, I've fought to keep myself from falling until I felt I had met 'the one'. And when I thought we would be moving, I fought harder then ever, to keep myself from EVER...EVER developing feelings for ANYONE! So after our family decided we would just stay here, I began feeling that maybe that meant it was safe. Safe to open myself up to the chances of meeting someone.
So I made the mistake of falling. And I don't want it to sound like I went out and found the first person I could after finding out we weren't moving, because that's not the case at all. But somehow, without wanting to, and without even knowing it, I fell. And for weeks I prayed harder then ever before, because I was scared. Scared I was making up feelings or whatever. Scared that I was pushing myself to see something God didn't want me to see. So I prayed. And prayed a lot. And everything seemed to tell me, it was safe to move forward. So I did.
But then things started falling apart. I started getting upset with God. Asking Him, why He made me feel it was safe to move forward, when it clearly hadn't been. Then I got news about possibly moving, and that's when I broke. I was so outraged that God would let me fall, just to have it all torn apart and burned.
My reasons for turning things around, and blaming God were probably selfish, and unfair reasons. They were reasons that may seem stupid to some, and silly to many. But to me, God had allowed me to do something that I had SWORN...I would NEVER do. He had allowed me to fall and get hurt.
But as the year comes to an end, I am fighting to re-build what little of a relationship I have left with Him. I've felt Him calling to me a lot lately, but I've continued to shut Him out, locking Him from my life and plugging my ears to His cry to me.
Then tonight I promised myself, no matter what, I was going to fight to get my relationship with Christ back! This empty, miserable feeling is driving me crazy, and I want to be back where I was before.
I need to learn to not only thank Him when good happens in my life, and then turn around and blame Him when something bad happens. I must thank God everyday, for everything in my life. Thank for the good, pray for the hard, and admit when I am wrong.
And on this note, I pray that I can go into 2011 fighting to build that relationship stronger.